Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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