well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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