You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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