Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
