Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
