Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
