Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
