She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
