We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
