if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
