Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
