I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
