I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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