Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
