oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
