I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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