You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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