is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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