my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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