u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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