he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
