I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
