get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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