just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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