Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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