before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
