i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
