I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
