i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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