I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
