I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
