I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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