Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
