So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
