The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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