these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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