It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
