god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
