just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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