as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
My penis needs a shock collar
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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