sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
