man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
