I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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