Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she told me i tasted like america
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
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