defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
