I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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