Your mouth is God's brothel.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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