and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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