I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
