Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
