yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
