Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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