don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
