my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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