I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
