the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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